Red Eyes at Morning: the picnic's secret invader

In this installment of Eat Out More Often, we present another cautionary tale of picnics gone horribly wrong. Although it may leave a bad taste in your mouth, we feel it is nonetheless important that you know the risks you take on when you decide to eat outdoors, where Ma Nature and her brood of thuggish fauna, flora, and what-have-yous terrorize and ambush we peace-loving humans like some debauched family of cutthroat criminals.

Like most picnics, this one started innocently enough. Four friends looking for a little fun in the sun on a California beach (the fourth friend being behind the camera, of course). We were so stupid, so trusting, so certain in the existence of a just and orderly world. We didn't know that in mere hours we would come to question it all as an insidious foe entered our ranks, preying upon the very bonds that wound us so tightly together, the same bonds that would soon violently break in a gory climax of pus and accusations. So stupid, so stupid I could almost laugh through the bitter tears that course down my cheeks to this day...

Anyway, here's a picture of our first glimpse of the beach as we climbed down from the roadside. What a view!

We were of course determined to find the best spot or our much-anticipated picnic, and so we walked for miles along the beach, carefully surveying the coastline for a locale that would suit us.

All that walking sure made us hungry! Lucky for us, we brought a great spread, and I'm not talking about a Playboy centerfold, either!

As you can see, we've got a delicious array of edible goods, mostly purchased from the farmer's market. The colorful cups really kicked the picnic up a notch.

And then things got weird!

And we found a cave and horsed around in there for a bit.

All in all, it was a great day, and we went home with our tummies full of delicious food and our heads full of precious memories...

...except that this guy got pink eye! And that's what I was talking about in the beginning; the thing that made the day a bit of a downer, looking back on it. Because then he passed it on to the other guy, and the two haven't spoken since. The lesson here is, careful where you put your hands--even when you're among friends--and remember that when you eat outdoors, you're also hosting a picnic for asshole germs and the main course is YOU.

Springtime/Picnictime

Hey winter is over like a fat rat, how bout a big whoop-de-do? Can I get a hip hip hooray? Good. Now down to business.

Although it's still a little brisk to sit outside and eat a meal in the grand tradition of picnicking which we love so well, now is the perfect time to start scouting sites, building an arsenal of recipes, and stockpiling nuclear weapons. Whoops, I mean stockpiling portable dishwear and utensils.

I don't know about yous, but I'm getting paid on Friday, so here's a little rundown of the picnic accoutrements we at Eat Out More Often and millions of other picnic enthusiasts will be rushing out to buy:

1 badminon set: booyah! Almost everybody is good at badminton. You can get these for $20 or so at your local crappy mall or maybe even at a dollar store. Host a badminton tournament/picnic and then rig the scoring so that your team wins! And don't forget your sweatbands.

1 frisbee: doubles as a plate!

1 thermos: the Jerk had it right, a thermos makes a great gift! These come in handy when you want to mix up some mojitos for your picnic without getting busted, because thermi look as innocent as babies.

TP/napkins/anything that wipes: it's nice to have something handy (other than your hand) when your pants are down and there isn't a pinecone in sight.

1 used portable radio: crank up the power! I don't think I would recommend this for every picnic, because it's always better to make your own music if you're so inclined. But this can be a nice way to jazz up those day-long picnics at the beach, and a radio can also warn you if there's a tornado coming!

1 pair of binoculars: essential for scoping out babes, birds, and enemies who wait in ambush.

1 book of Family Circus cartoons: a great way to steer the conversation away from something unpleasant and get back to wholesome picnicking, especially if you ignore that fact that everybody in the family secretly hates Jeffy.





That's all I can think of for now, but there's bound to be more picnic-themed stuff you can blow your money on. Keep in mind, however, that fancy badminton sets and adult diapers don't make picnics great, people do. And food do, too.

Red Sky at Night

On a chilly December day like today, I often find myself reminiscing about those sunny summer beach picnics that seem so long ago.
This particular beach bash buffet, on legendary Venice Beach, was made even more smashing by the presence of our fine friends to the east - the Texans! Sharon, John, Sara, and Liz had come all the way from Houston, Texas to picnic in style and in the warm California sun - and it was John's birthday to boot.

The stakes were high so my regular picnic fare -cheese, bread, and a little fruit - would not suffice. I looked to my Brockhampton Healthy Home Cooking Cookbook for Picnics and Barbecues and found a salad worthy of this occasion. They call it the 'Salad of Red Leaves, Beans, and Roots' but I like to call it 'Red Sky at Night (a.k.a. a Sailor's Delight)'.



Here is how I made the recipe:
1 can red kidney beans
1/2 red cabbage, shredded
1 small red onion, quartered and finely sliced
1 beet, peeled and grated
1 oz blue Stilton cheese, crumbled

mix up everything but the cheese in a bowl then add this vinaigrette:

1 tsp dijon mustard
1/8 tsp tobasco sauce
1/8 tsp salt
1/8 tsp ground black pepper
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
4 tbsp olive oil

chill all of this until you are ready to serve it, when you are ready to serve pull some big leaves off the cabbage and put a nice scoop of salad on each leaf then sprinkel the Stilton on top. An alternative presentation approach is to line a big bowl with leaves and let everyone serve themself from the bowl. However you serve it, this is a delicious and beautiful salad perfect for a special occasion.

Needless to say, the salad - along with chips, guacamole, one chicken, and a giant watermelon - was enjoyed by all.

Head Games

Only while picnicing could you witness something so rare...

Picnic at Hanging Rock

Continuing with the theme of picnics in cinema, I have come across another movie featuring a picnic gone terribly wrong. Picnic at Hanging Rock is a 1975 Aussie film about a group of school girls and a teacher who embark on a St. Valentine's Day picnic in the year 1900. A strange, sonic spell is cast over some of the girls causing them to wander into the steep crevices of Hanging Rock never to be seen or heard from again.

Ingmar Bergman R.I.P

In honor of the recently departed film-maker extraordinaire, Ingmar Bergman, let us think of that unfortunate picnic in the Academy Award-winning film Virgin Spring. A seemingly pleasant outing on a sunny afternoon turns sinister for an innocent maiden setting off a chain of events that lead to brutal revenge and ultimate redemption. Not a tale for the weak of heart.